Author: forthe

30 years is a long time.

Time, unwavering, continually moving forward, pushing onward, erodes a marriage.

Time, unrelenting, motioning ahead, progressing through, strengthens a marriage.

Wait. Can both statements be true? Absolutely and commitment is the force guiding time.

There are three levels of marriage commitment:

1. I Have To – Factors such as kids, money or family compel you to stay married.
2. I Ought To – External influences such as society or religion expect you to stay married.
3. I Want To – Personal dedication to your marriage because you want to be married.

One of the recurring drivers in our marriage is hope. It’s anticipating events and occurrences as the years pass and enjoying them when they unfold. In our context, hope is a positive driver not negative.

Hope differs greatly from expectation and this is a critical point to understand. Expectation is born from effort, while hope is born from thinking, dreaming, discussing.

Missy perpetually brings hope into our lives day in and day out, but it’s never more evident than with our children.

There is a point in a long marriage where truths emerge. Facts, reality. When it occurs there are two paths to take; accept the truths or ignore the truths. The truths will exist whatever the choice.

We’ve chosen to accept our truths that have emerged in the last 10 years. Embrace them and understand they support our marriage.

1. We are best friends.

   

2. Having kids is what we were supposed to do.
   
3. Our marriage is a statistical anomaly.
   
4. We fart in bed.
   
5. Our singing voices are horrible, but we like each other’s.
   

In a long marriage there is a simple saying:

Familiarity breeds contempt.

The idea is the longer you’ve known someone in a relationship the easier it becomes to dislike them. For us, that’s never been an issue since we use our familiarity to love each other more.

I understand the meaning of the phrase, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” With someone other than Missy as my best friend, wife and lover, it would happen. Since Missy brings such a loving perspective to our familiarity, we enrich ourselves more every day.

Missy and I bring this sense of familiarity to our marriage in various ways.

Missy and my friendship existed before we were married and will continue forever. I know this because friendship is rooted in wanting to spend time with a person and regardless of alive or dead, there is no one I’d rather spend time with.

When I think about the friendship Missy and I share, three things come to the forefront. Vulnerability, honesty and time.

Kidneys: Medical issues make everyone feel vulnerable, especially if follow-up care is required. I’ve suffered kidney stones four times in my life and it isn’t a good experience. Kidney stones are the worst pain a human being can endure, which I am sure is subjective, but to me they are the most painful.

The one thing you need to understand about being married this long is things can get static, automatic. Day in, day out, the sameness of everything creeps into your life. You settle in and stay. Passion forces you out of your settling and into a more chaotic pace, which keeps the marriage fueled and moving forward.

Missy brings a great deal of passion to our marriage through her trying new things and exploring interesting ideas. Rarely do we sit still and grow moss, we’re always rolling.

After we were married our first son was born. While he was recovering from premature birth in the NICU, he died suddenly. The doctors didn’t have a definitive cause for his rapid deterioration or the exact circumstance as to why he died.

We were 18 and 17. Newly married to the point we were still learning how to live together and this happened.

My path with God split when my first son died. I had grown up catholic, attended a catholic high school and thought I understood my faith, I quickly learned I didn’t. Through the years I have developed a unique relationship with God, but I have never truly understood nor forgiven the death of my first son.

30 years of marriage presents times when you’re going to do something wrong to your partner. Whether it’s purposeful or inadvertent, the wrong has to be dealt with. There are apologies from the offender, but there has to be true forgiveness from the offended. It took us a long time to understand this and not hold grudges.

There are a couple of times where Missy has offered true forgiveness when I’ve wronged her and it meant a great deal in keeping our marriage healthy.

Biking ahead: Biking came late to our marriage, but when it arrived it came full force. We jumped into the activity and even incorporated biking into our trips out of town.

To say Missy is one of the kinder souls you’ll ever meet is an understatement. Her kindness runs deep and is fueled by the belief helping others makes you a better person. She’s like this naturally.

Luckily for me, the kindness has rubbed off on me. I wasn’t an unkind person, but watching Missy’s kindness in action through the years has made me kinder.

In the last 10 years there are any number of kind things Missy has done, but the following give a taste of the variety of kindness.

We’ve been married 10,958 days. During this time we’ve had the typical ups and downs most married couples have with a few really crappy times. Laughter is the lubricant of our marriage to get us through the day in and day out, especially the crappy ones.

A few examples of laughter allowing our marriage to flow easier include:

Target on drugs: Shortly after our second daughter was born and staying in the NICU, Missy was discharged from the hospital. She was still taking effective narcotic pain medication for recovery from the C-section. She needed some supplies for home, so we stopped at Target. Not wanting to walk, she opted to use a powered scooter to get around the store. Seemed like a good idea until she wedged herself between clothing displays.