Category: 30 Years of Marriage

I couldn’t give you an adequate representation of the number of animals that have lived with us in 30 years. Yes, I could do my best to list off the dogs and cats, but you need to add in the fish. Oh, the so many fish.

Pets require very little in the way of support to be in your life. You buy, find or are given them and go from there. Feed them, let them go to the bathroom and clean up. Simple.

During our 30 years we’ve learned so much about ourselves, but 2 truths have emerged. I’ve grown to not want pets, Missy has grown to embrace them.

I should have seen this coming earlier in our marriage when Missy was heartbroken after our sucker fish (plecostomus) became ill while we were on vacation. She tried so hard to keep it going, but it eventually died. (I cannot remember the name of our sucker fish, but I’d like to think it was Sally the Sucker.)

Her dedication to our dogs borders on mystical. In the last 10 years 2 of our dogs have passed and Missy knew both times when the time was coming. The connection is unknown to me, but it a product of the dedication Missy has with these animals.

Right now our dog is Scooter. A majestic, large golden retriever. As dogs go, he’s pretty cool. I like the fact he isn’t too hyper and dig the fact he sort of plays ball. He sometimes listens to me, though most of the time he just looks at me. For Missy, the dog is a robot.

Let’s compare:

“Scooter, come inside.” My result is a dog running to the door and running back into the yard. Her result is the dog coming inside.

“Scooter, drop it.” My result is a 30 second tug of war where he thinks if he loses the world is over. Her result is dropping the object with nary an objection.

“Scooter, eat.” My result when I put out food is obliviousness. The dog could care less. Her result is eating, but only if she is in the same room.

It seems odd to talk about this, but for every gram of dedication they give Missy she returns it 10 fold.

Missy is the Comforter in Chief of our family. It’s always been this way, but for the last 10 years she’s elevated her comfort provision. Seriously, each one of us has a built in comfort provision level. Mine is about a 5, yours might be more or less. If you are a mother, the level is probably higher. Missy tops out at 10.

Regardless of what is going on, the demands on her at the time, Missy is there to comfort one of us when it is our time of need. And need isn’t just the bad times. There are times when something so stupendously outstanding happens you need an emotional release .. she is there.

Where does this come from? No idea. I think it’s part of Missy’s soul to provide comfort to those in need. It’s like the old sayings of what little boys and little girls are made of; Missy is made of a sprinkle of alleviation, a dash of coziness and a heap of peacefulness.

Even though the graphical examples you see here are hugs, her comfort doesn’t require two arms. Sometimes it’s a touch at the right time, a rub or restful words. Your immediate response is tranquility.

Missy’s comforting nature allows our marriage to flourish in times where emotions could overwhelm.

Silliness has long been a part of our marriage and in the last 10 years it’s been a respite through 2 new children and more demanding work.

Our silliness happens no matter where we are or what we’re doing. The daily in and out of life has a way of getting on you, but the silliness refreshes you and preps you for what comes next.

Missy’s silliness happens when I don’t expect it. For instance, if I am in a long meeting at work I’ll sometimes video her just to see what is going on at home. When I look down at the screen I see this:

You try not laughing when you glance at that funny face!

I’ve also created a game of trying to scare Missy when I get home. She puts up with it even though she sometimes catches me in the act and scares me!

Some of our better times scaring:

So, there you have it. After 30 years of marriage, examples of love and kindness, it all comes down to silliness.

Our marriage been as planned and deliberate as a tornado on a spring day. We have not been a model of forethought and premeditation. It’s lead to problems, but overall it’s been a great thing for us.

When thinking about examples of impulsiveness in the last 10 years Shannon and Tommy bubble to the top. Yes, there was a tiny bit of planning with Shannon, but none with Tommy. This example seems too easy, like saying the sun is yellow.

The better examples include biking, spring break and the minivan.

Missy and I really took to biking and would adventure out to different trails all the time. We’ve stopped doing it due to the demands of the kids, but really need to get back to it. The impulsiveness of trying out new trails leads to odd situations. One time I was riding on Katy Trail and decided to ride as far as I could. No planning, no checking, just riding. All went well until I came upon a sinkhole the size of a car. The river washed over the trail and collapsed the riding section.

Of course, I had to take Missy out to see it! Our next ride included this little excitement, but Missy wanted to take a detour into the woods. She finds a small trail and starts riding in the lead. No idea where it leads to or what the quality of the ride is going to be. I follow and soon the tree branches are whipping our faces, the trail curves round, gets smaller and just ends. Missy had stopped abruptly and without time to react I slam on my brakes, momentum carries me over the handlebars and I slam into the ground shoulder first.

Oh, how Missy laughed.

2 years ago we were in a rut. Things at work sucked, money was tight and there was just a general malaise about us. On a whim, we decided to hit the road for Spring Break with our 18 month old and 6 year old. The kids had never been to the ocean, so we thought, “why not.”

There was no real planning and just a get up and go sort of feel. We hit Jacksonville, Florida, Gatlinburg, Tennessee and Cincinnati, Ohio.

The kids had a blast on the beach!

And we even talked to turkeys.

Our impulsiveness also includes money. Spring break last year, it seems to be a recurring theme, saw us losing a minivan due to age. The cost of getting it fixed would be $6,000 or so, which was too much for a 2000 Toyota Sienna. Our idea was to get another vehicle and replace it; something for me to take to work.

Within the span of 5 hours we found an almost new 2013 Toyota Sienna minivan, test drove it, negotiated and walked out with it.

A year later we love the minivan and realize how impulsive we were with the purchase.

Still, our impulsiveness leads to more excitement and fun in our marriage than downsides. Missy is a wonderful partner when it comes to jumping in with both feet!

We’ve been together for over 30 years and throughout it all we’ve been partners, which is especially true in the last 10 years. When you start out in marriage you’re close, really close. As the years pass, you start to move away from each other; interests diverge, time is taken and you look outside the marriage. What I’ve learned is the longer you go in a marriage the more you appreciate and come to rely on your partner.

This is the best I can do to graphically show how close I felt to Missy during our marriage. Excuse the rudimentary drawing.

Somewhere in the middle of our journey, I didn’t feel like a partner in our marriage. We suffered a couple of major setbacks and it was the only time I felt alone.

Look at the last 10 years, though. Whether it’s the addition of 2 kids, our maturity or even simply accepting our marriage, I feel much closer to Missy and more of a partner than I ever have.

Having a great partner in your marriage ensures you always have someone to play with, talk with and even love with.

At the beginning of our marriage we would joke and tease each other with this song by Huey Lewis and the News:

Now that we’re at 30 years it really is this song by Al Green:

 

 

There’s never been a question about Missy’s focus in our marriage. She demonstrates a considerable amount of focus when it comes to finding what is important and making it the center of attention.

Nothing is more apparent in her focus than our children. All of our children spent considerable time in the hospital after birth with months in the NICU. Missy’s focus was completely on the children during this time. She never missed a day of care and constantly advocated for their treatment and support. I assure you our children wouldn’t have had as positive outcomes without Missy’s focus.

Missy’s focus is also on competition with me when we’re playing games, too. She likes to work hard at beating me and determines the best way to do it! Usually, I can find a way to triumph, but she has found my vulnerability .. darts. I cannot beat her on a regular basis no matter what I try. It bothers me and she knows this.

Home maintenance is another aspect of Missy’s focus. Everyone in our family knows this and appreciates it. Missy gets our support and it’s funny at times when the kids notice.

Missy’s focus throughout our marriage has brought us delight, love and closeness. It never wavers.

We’ve always been together. Since we met in high school to now, we’re together. In the last 10 years, though, we’ve become entwined. Two people mixed and attached together in marriage.

Together doesn’t mean you quit being your own person. It means you become part of something better, more than yourself.

Our entwinement in the last 10 years was furthered for a few different reasons:

Children: For 18 years we only had one child, but in the last 10 years we’ve added two more. The children have brought us together and it shows when our kids are together. As a family, we do many things together including playtime at night:

The children bring us closer together and provide a great deal of enjoyment and enrich our lives.

Activity: The last 10 years we’ve played tennis, biked, gardened, rehabbed, built, demoed, painted, installed, walked, run, swam and so much more together. It’s funny that the first 20 years were less on activity given we only had one child, but the next 10 were packed!

Age: As you grow older with someone you become more used to them and understand any issues occurring. Still, age adds a degree of comfort and allows you to come together with your spouse. This is what has happened in our marriage.

Our togetherness enriches, grows and makes our marriage complete. I couldn’t imagine my life without the togetherness I share with Missy.

 

I have no problem spending money. Most of the time I think it’s a great idea, yet I later realize it isn’t.

Missy has a big problem spending money. Most of the time she won’t spend money on herself, but she really needs to.

Together, we work out.

Missy’s thriftiness benefits us  in many ways, especially now we have 2 young children. For instance, she focuses on reselling our children’s clothes and buying their new clothes at the resale sales. These are sales attended by thousands of other people looking for great deals on kids clothes. Missy’s strategy is to show up on the last day for the highest percentage off the clothes and it really helps us.

The video is short and you might think it stupid, but look closer. You’ll see racks upon racks of kids clothes. You’ll see Missy going through each article of clothing looking to see if it’ll work for Shannon or Tommy. You’ll see her thriftiness saving us money.

Her thriftiness also leads us through adventures, especially when it comes to installation services. Our kitchen needed a new dishwasher, so we bought one, had it delivered and it sat. For a while. We finally decided to install it one painful weekend and it didn’t go well. For 2 years it was installed, but not mounted to the counter. It wasn’t until Tommy started crawling that we finally figured out how to mount it … he was causing it to tip when he climbed on it.

Oh, and the time we needed a new over the stove microwave? Bought it, had it delivered and it sat in the box for 6 months until Tommy pushed Missy to install it.

See the top of this post? Seriously, we depend on Missy’s financial discipline to such a degree that when she went in the hospital to deliver Tommy, she was doing the monthly bills.

Missy’s thriftiness is a continuing blessing in our marriage and has leveled out my extravagance.

Something given up or lost.

Did you get married to give something or lose it? I didn’t. At first.

As the years pass it’s obvious one of the structural supports of marriage is sacrifice. It’s what allows people to become more of a team than individual players. It shows unselfishness and commitment to something more important than themselves. It’s been important in our marriage and Missy has done our share, especially in the last 10 years.

Free time – The biggest thing Missy gave up is her free time. Just 10 years ago we were close to our only child graduating high school and leaving for college. Missy’s time would be her own again and she could do what she chose. We decided to find out why we never had more children and through the process found out we could have more children. Missy and I discussed, argued and prayed about what to do and decided to try. Knowing the time commitment of another child, Missy sacrificed her upcoming free time for child raising.

Seriously, she’s put her life on hold to be a mother to our three children. She’d argue with you and tell you, “There is nothing more I love doing than being a mother.” You’d nod and understand, but not really.

Her daily sacrifices through the last 10 years are like tiny pebbles tossed into the yard. When you look back you see she’s created a wonderful walkway through our life of love.

Need to be right – Many marriages fall into the trap where both people feel the need to be right all the time. Missy’s moved on this in the latter era of our marriage and is more amenable to understanding sometimes I am right. But, believe me, when she is right and I am wrong on something we’re hotly disputing, she will let me know. For instance, I told her there was no way her brother and her could replace our roof. They did. She was out there until late night getting the job done. I think she did it to spite me.

During a previous rush to get the house ready for a refinance, Missy was told we needed to fix the brick backstairs. We’d never done this before, so I thought we should hire someone. Missy went off to Home Depot, bought the supplied and worked into the night figuring out and how to replace the brick on the stairs. She worked at night, in the rain to get it done.

Our marriage has flourished due to Missy’s sacrifices. The sacrifices fed and grew our commitment and love.